I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
