Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
