New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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