Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
