She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
