After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
