Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
