11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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