Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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