it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
