In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
