I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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