they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
