Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
