Michael Bay diarrhea
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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