saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
