dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
