Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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