She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
