When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
