My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I think i got beer on your cat.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
