he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
