dude i'm inner monologue high
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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