Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
