they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
