I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
