If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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