Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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