this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
