At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
being pregnant is like rehab
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
