I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
