I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dear god my vagina.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize