Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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