How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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