This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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