I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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