he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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