god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
