Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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