arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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