i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
