Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
