WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
