Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
