I hate all girls vehemently.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
