Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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