I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
