Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We need a shit load of segways right now
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
