I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
