If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
