I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
In America we eat man semen.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
