My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize