I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
