Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
