dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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