Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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