I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
