just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
