I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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