Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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