I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
