So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
