It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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